Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Litmus Test.

The Rowe School blog, so far as I can see, has found its niche as more a dayplanner and travelogue (minus the travel--domilogue?) than a creative outlet. This is not an insult in the least: the former are far more interesting and widely less fraudulent than the latter. In classic Rowe-School fashion, I am going to make a list. In classic Rowe-School fashion, the list will lack adhesive, teetering between a checklist for goals or shopping and a list of upcoming events, then tottering into mindless soapbox proselytizing. Ready? Let's begin:

> For the past two days I've awoken to the sound a bowling alley makes when you put it in a blender. Roofers. After a dozen calls to the realty company explaining that "our porch is raining," they responded not by calling back but by sending a ruthless band of merry men, presumably made of windchimes and unoiled hinges, to our house at what is probably the crack of dawn in California. At least they're doing something about it, which is more that I can say about the smell in Elix's room.

> Today we got the security system activated, which ought to protect us from criminals if not the ceaseless vengeance of the restless ghosts who haunt the basement and secret room. I hope angry, unforgiving spirits can't set of a motion detector, because that could get annoying. When you turn on the alarm, you have eighty seconds to walk twenty feet to the door and close it behind you. This may prove a challenge for Elix, who is never and has never actually been ready to leave.

> Crime is afoot at the Rowe School, and I think it's an inside job. The mysterious overnight disappearance of sliced cheese has rocked the lunch-sandwich community. The bread population is stable, so someone is taking it straight up--a shameful act at which at least one of my two suspects would scoff. I know who you are; you know who you are, too, cheeseburglar. I'm going to Matlock a confession out of you if it's the last thing I do.

> I'm afraid I'm not going to make it to the proselytizing. I had a lot more bullet-points to come, but I'm afraid I have some actual work to do. Next time: new publication (work-in-progress), updates on my essay about secret underground baby-trading, as well as breaking news about American military operations. Here's a preview:

U.S. Military Unveils New Secret Weapon: Criss Angel

David H. Patraeus, Commanding General of the Multi-National Force in Iraq, announced at a press conference in Washington this afternoon that the U.S. government, exercising the power of imminent domain, has purchased Criss Angel from A&E Network for the price of $724,000 for use in the overseas conflict.

"As a responsible government," said Patraeus, "it is our duty to make sure we harness every available resource to ensure victory in Iraq. To overlook or ignore the tactical advantage a powerful wizard could give us would be, well, foolish."



1 comment:

evan said...

The rattle traps should leave once they are positively convinced you will soon enough prefer the reflecting pool of a porch to the poor man's 'whack-a-mole.'

Should you read this before making way to the hardware shop, and opt to purchase sweeps, look for felted bottoms. Felt is best but rubber will do if they have nothing else.
Also, consider buying a low (1" or so) threshold, the sweep's mate and moggle, if you think a 5%+ energy bill reduction is worth more than the occasional trip-up.

Come across any dry cleaning tickets lately?