Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Family Lore and Dirty Laundry

Over Christmas, my aunt passed on to me this family heirloom. It was a wedding present from my great-grandfather to my great-grandmother. Anne told me what she could about them in order to give me some background. I wish I'd written it down because I have a terrible memory, and it was pretty fascinating.

My sister just asked me if it was true that I had stayed at the White House when I was little. It makes me wonder what things I believe about my family that aren't, in fact, true. The following are some suspicious items from my memory. Any mistakes are equally as likely to be the result of misunderstanding as false information.

Concerning my father:
• before he met my mother, he was a gigolo
• he loved Hank Williams, which is the only thing he had in common with my grandfather
• he died by over-celebrating at a party in honor of my birth
• he robbed a bank in Italy, and was hiding out in Switzerland when he met my mom
• he was a DJ in a discotech
• my mother's wedding band is stolen property

Concerning my mother:
• she has never had a job
• in high school she used to sleep with the future producer of Beavis and Butthead
• she once assisted in stealing an entire locked narcotics cabinet from a mom and pop pharmacy

Concerning my grandparents:
• when he was young, if his family was going to have chicken for dinner, my grandfather had to go kill one with his bare hands
• he spoke Greek and Latin
• his job, when he worked for the Coca-cola company was to go to soda shops, order a Coke, and make sure they weren't watering them down
• my grandmother's father died from Tuberculosis, which he caught from handling money

Concerning my uncle J:
• he started a health food store in New Orleans called Whole Foods, which was then bought out and made into an enormous chain. The original little market was sold and has been running under the name Eve's Market since then

Concerning my uncle P:
• he used to be a fighter pilot
• he secretly bought a bunch of stock in my grandfather's oil company and when my grand-father split his shares between his sons, Uncle P became majority shareholder. He then punched my grandfather in the face and kicked him out of the company

Concerning myself:
• I once auditioned for the role of the kid in Fatal Attraction (possible vague memories included)
• before I was old enough to sit up on my own, I projectile puked all over the wall of a friend of my mother's who also happened to be a close friend of Bob Marley's
• If the other kids are mean to me, it's just because they're jealous


t said...

no wonder you are a badass!

maggie! said...

that was amazing. didnt your mom go on a date with a serial killer too?

Anonymous said...

fascinating! i have nothing of the sort about my family. honestly, i really do try and be objective and fish out the interesting things about us, but i just can't. both of my parents' families are such a snoozer (which is great for me and my sanity).

michela said...

re: Marg's comment- the serial killer thing is vaguely ringing a bell, but you obviously remember it better than I do.

re: Joy's comment- but now a child of some future generation will say, "My (great)grandmother was a rapper!" Badass!!

Mark said...

Now this.. THIS, is blogging.