Thursday, April 9, 2009

Are You Here to Stay?

I'm hoping so very hard that the warm weather is here for good this time. I'm feeling better than I have in days. Of course that's probably because I got a big project out of the way–a presentation on 18th century gothic revival in design and architecture. Riveting, isn't it?

Beaux Animeaux got a big project out of the way, too, as I mentioned last time. They were gone all weekend recording and then Evan spent Sunday evening listening to rough cuts of the tracks. I'm pretty sure I vowed not to date musicians after my first boyfriend. I guess it's lucky for me Evan is only pretending. But seriously, the tracks sound good. The album is gonna be wikkid awesome.

I finally got out and weeded the raised beds for this years garden and started some flowers indoors. I suppose I'll try to get some veggie plants this weekend. Fewer tomatoes this time, and I'm going to try chives, beets (though they didn't turn out last year), and Japanese eggplant. Maybe some chillis? Hopefully I've learned from the first go round and will be more successful this year.

On a personal note, recently I've been having a bit of a buddhist existentialist crisis, though it's subsided a bit. As I've probably mentioned before, I'm rather negative in some respects. I might even say that I have a teeny tiny evil streak, and not in that sexy, glamorized way. Besides being judgmental, I've got a lot of hate-y feelings, especially when it comes to people who've done me wrong. "Yes, of course. Everyone does," you might think. But this is a problem. Shadenfreude to the extreme. Revenge fantasies. Utter delight at the thought that their uppance will come. But I don't want to be this way. It makes me unhappy. It makes other people unhappy. I want to be a good Buddhist, practice loving-kindness, and make everything better, not worse, even for people who've hurt me. But how do I get over it when hating feels so good? (I mean it. It's pretty sick really.) And more importantly, how do I practice loving-kindness and protect myself at the same time? Probably the answer is to not try to protect yourself, to let go of fear and let things be how they are. But that's a lot easier said than done. So those are my struggles right now. Any tips? I see a lot of meditation in my future.


Anonymous said...

I was a very nasty person for some time. A bit famous for it. But who wants to be that guy?

I found the secret is this: fake it till you make it. I pretended to be a nice guy and had to think what they would do. After a while, that's you. You are what you do.

And now no one knows what I used to be like because I buried everyone who knows my secrets under the house.

evan said...

Fashion your "negatons" into a Tulpa, one of those Eastern monsters of the mind. You feel cleansed, Tulpa brutalizes everything-- is like winning in front of two-way mirror, with emotion secrets on other side.

michela said...

That's good advice, Matt. I've heard something similar said about pessimists–that pretending you're an optimist has the same psychological effects as actually being one.

Anyhow, this sort of thing has worked for me in other situations, so I guess it's just a matter of really committing to it. So I will, as of right now.

Thanks, btw. It's nice to know I'm not the only jerk to ever live and that it's not an insurmountable defect.